A love letter to my (very anxious) self
This last year was tough. It was really good, it was really bad, and it was very difficult. This year is getting better and you’re feeling better. In the days that you are not, though, remember that you will be okay. Anxiety and panic are not putting you in danger; the cognitive dysfunctions that are causing them are not real. You are safe. You are not going to spontaneously combust. Remember that it is temporary, you will always be able to feel find comfort, support, and love. Go drink a nice cup of tea with honey, watch something funny, give someone you love a hug.
Yes, facing anxiety is so painful. It requires so much strength, courage, energy. It is absolutely terrifying. You don’t want to do it, you don’t want to be still with your thoughts while you feel them detonating on you, you want to run away as fast as you can, not be still, not diving into them headfirst. No, you don’t want to do it, but know this: you are safe.
Facing your anxieties is an essential part of the progress. It takes a lot of energy, but you can rest. You need to rest a lot, it is surprisingly draining. It’s okay if you need to rest a lot. Progress comes about very slowly, in very small steps. It’s okay that you’re hurt and disappointed that you can’t do the things you used to. No, you don’t feel like you’re able to get even 5 kilometers out of your safe zones, ride a car in the middle of the desert, or visit your friends who live abroad. It’s normal that you feel resentful that you are not able to do those things right now — you will be, at some point. It takes practice; it takes getting on the metro a few times until you’re back at not even thinking about it. It takes time and patience, but you can most certainly do it, as you’ve done before.
Now that you’re taking medication things feel clearer. It doesn’t feel so overwhelming, and that’s so great. You feel free of a significant part of that burden and you can see things more clearly. You can see what steps you need to take in order to get better. You are able to live more consciously, with a less foggy mind. I’m proud that you dared to seek the help you needed. I’m so proud of you to have come this far.
The fact that you needed to take some steps back doesn’t invalidate all the progress you’re made so far. In fact, it will allow you to make even more progress, little by little. Thank you for hanging in there. Yes, it gets really, really hard sometimes, but you are doing great. Keep going.
